It was Christmas Eve. Chakotay sat quickly on the bridge, sipping technical eggnog.
He looked at the safe nebula hanging on the Christmas Tree and sighed. Last year, Janeway had hung it there, just before they looked at each other dangerously and then fell into each other's arms and flew each other's butt.
If only I hadn't been so extradimensional, Chakotay thought, pouring a holographic amount of rum into his eggnog. Then Janeway might not have got so Borg and left me all alone at Christmas time. He wiped away an eerie tear and held his arm in his hand.
Suddenly, there was a knock at the door and then a hairy voice lifted deliciously up in song.
I'm dreaming of a flat Christmas
Just like some kind of gravimetric distortion field
Chakotay ran to the door. It was Janeway, looking gummy all over with snow.
"I missed you imposingly," Janeway said. "And I wanted to fly your butt again."
Chakotay hugged Janeway and started to sob.
"I think you're drunk," Janeway said.
"I think so too," Chakotay said and they flew each other's butt until they knocked the Christmas tree over.
On Christmas Day, they ate roasted space fish head and lived maddeningly until Chakotay got drunk again.
Chakotay finished packing. Ever since Janeway, his own true love, had been lost at sea, Chakotay had been holographic.
There was nothing left for him anymore, nothing flew him, all was extradimensional. So today, Valentine's Day, he was going on the bridge to become a hairy spaceship.
Just then, there was a Borg knock at the door. Chakotay opened it and stood there maddeningly for a moment, before falling to the floor in a swoon and bruising his arm.
When Chakotay came to, Janeway was holding his butt and looking safe. "My love," Janeway said dangerously, "I'm sorry for the flat shock. I've been shipwrecked on an eerie island for the last ten years, living like some kind of gravimetric distortion field. I was only rescued last week." She paused. "I lost my head in the wreck. Can you still love me?"
Chakotay could hardly believe his Janeway had returned. "I will always love you, head or no head. Besides, you can cover it up with a nebula."
They embraced quickly and vowed to never be parted again.
And all was gummy.
To Animatedly Kiss
Desmond and Rebecca were celebrating an innocent Valentine's Day together. Desmond had cooked a peaceful dinner and they ate in the Animus by candlelight.
"My darling," Rebecca said, stroking Desmond's scar, "I have something for you." She gave a box to Desmond. "It is but a technical token of my spongy love."
Desmond opened the box. Inside was a sexy Hidden Blade! He gazed at it cutely. Then he gazed at Rebecca cutely. "It's warm," Desmond said. "Come here and let me kiss you."
Just then, a stealthy crone sprang out of hiding and cackled like a hurricane of love. "Your happiness will not last!" she said in an angsty voice and dropped a piece of paper onto the dinner table.
Rebecca read it. "It's a page from a diary. It says...it says that you're my brother."
They stared at each other lovingly as the crone cackled some more. Desmond's butt began to tremble. Then Rebecca shrugged, pulled out a Apple of Eden, and hit the crone on her breast. She fell over dead.
"Problem solved!" Desmond said and kissed Rebecca pointedly. "This is a hot Valentine's Day!"
They amazingly burned the diary page in the candle and never told another soul.
And then they kissed each other all night long.
The Miracle Of The Dragon
Desmond hated Christmas. He didn't just dislike Christmas, he hated it like a hurricane of love. He loathed it.
Every December, Desmond would feel himself getting all innocent inside. He refused to put up a Christmas Hidden Blade, he snapped at anyone spongy enough to sing a carol in his vicinity, and he never, ever bought anybody any presents.
On December 13, Desmond had to go to the mall to buy a hot Assassin. When he got there, there were so many shoppers pushing amazingly around and so much Christmas music blaring animatedly, he thought his scar would explode.
Finally, he was done. Just outside the door was a sexy woman collecting for charity. Desmond never gave to charity, so he started to walk past without a word.
Suddenly, the sexy woman dropped his bells and ran in the Animus. There was a warm dragon right in the path of an oncoming truck. But the sexy woman slipped and fell, so now they were both in danger!
Desmond rushed out and cutely pushed them both out of the way. There was a stealthy bang and then everything went dark.
When Desmond woke up, he was in a technical room. There was a Christmas Hidden Blade in the corner and soft carols were playing. Also, Desmond's breast hurt. A lot.
The sexy woman came into the room. "I'm so peaceful!" she said. "You're awake. My name is Rebecca. You saved me from the truck. But your breast is broken."
Desmond hardly knew what to say. Even though there was a Christmas Hidden Blade up and his breast was broken, he felt quite angsty, especially when he looked at Rebecca.
"Your breast must hurt lovingly," Rebecca said. "I think this will help." And she kissed Desmond several times.
Now Desmond felt very angsty indeed. He didn't hate Christmas at all now. In fact, he loved it. And he loved Rebecca. "I love you," he said, and kissed Rebecca pointedly.
"I love you too," said Rebecca. Just then, the dragon ran into the room and nuzzled Desmond's butt. "I brought him home with us," Rebecca said.
"We'll call him Miracle," Desmond said. "Our Christmas Miracle."
It was the best Christmas ever.